Condo Development or Soap Opera?

For a good two and a half years, I have lived in peace over here at Old Forge Crossing. Aside from the one incident where my old upstairs neighbor was seen on his balcony shooting at squirrels with a BB gun in his underwear and a mask, it's been pretty quiet. Ok, one time my hamster escaped and wreaked a little havoc next door, but other than that, it really has been mundane. Until about a week and a half ago. I got home from the movies at around 12:30AM to find my across the parking lot neighbor outside with a friend enjoying a bottle (or seven) of wine. Now, I have said hello to this neighbor whenever our paths crossed, but that was it. Until that night.

Angie, and yes, that is her real name called me over saying that we had never been introduced. Not wanting to be rude I went over to introduce myself and quickly discovered that these ladies had been drinking just a bit. So after my rousing story about the movie Superbad, Angie and her friend, whom we will call Samantha since I can't remember her name invited me to join them. Bored with life, I decided why not. So I grabbed my chair and a bottle of wine myself and sat down. Now I'm not sure exactly how we got on the topic of sex, but before I knew it these women were sharing with me the intimate details of their past sexual histories. And oh how intimate they were!

Stories of orgies, crazy Russian mobster run New York sex clubs, lesbian relationships and third input were being thrown around as if they were just another Saturday night. Now, I am about the most liberal person you will meet, I'd never judge another for their sexual history. But myself, I'm fairly conservative when it comes to the bedroom. I really didn't have much to add to the conversation other than a diatribe on why men find it so sexy when women kiss. Emboldened by this, Angie and her friend proceeded to each sit on one of my legs and kiss each other. I won't pretend that I objected.

As the night moved on, I could tell the friend was trying to set me up with Angie. Now, Angie is a nice girl. A couple years older than me, clearly a whole lot more "experienced" than me, and a lot more worldly. Despite all this, I was not so interested. But sure enough, around 2AM Samantha decided to call it a night leaving just Angie and I to ourselves. At this point I knew I was in trouble.

Angie then proceeds to slur out the following to me: "Ya know, we see each other and we always say hi, but we never say hi. Truth is, I have been watching you for the past year." I responded with a look of slight fear asking if she could see in my windows, to which she replied, "No, I don't mean that. I just mean... I just think you're really hot, and if you ever want to come over to... ya know, talk... that'd be great." Short of telling me to call her Kitty-Kat, she pretty much laid it all out there.

I gave a sheepish "OK, sounds good" and retreated back to my condo and wondered what the fuck just happened. Did I just get propositioned by a 30 year old? Was she a cougar? Was I prey? Was I an idiot for walking away? I decided to let the issue die for the next week and a half

Fast forward to the other day after I finished a rousing vaccuuming session, I heard a voice outside my unit. Twas Angie, asking my new upstairs neighbor which unit was Kevin's. I froze with panic, unsure of what this woman was doing at my place at 5PM. Out of sheer terror, I refused to answer the door, instead choosing to hide next to my bed and pretend I was in the shower or something. I really know how to handle the ladies.

As it turns out, new neighbor decided to jump on the opportunity and invite her up for a drink at his place. Angie, apparently the new OFC hussy, readily accepted. Not sure how that turned out, but long story short, later that night I ran into her while I was trying to throw away my trash and had a brief conversation in which she reiterated that we should get together sometime. I think I said something like "Sure, I'm around."

So perhaps the whole adventure will go quietly into the night, or perhaps I will be dealing with a Fatal Attraction situation for the next year and a half I have left here. Awesome.

UPDATE: Crazy neighbor knocked on my door at 8:30 tonight. Clearly home with music on, I had to answer. I quickly hid my beer and answered. After exchanging hellos, Angie said "Let's drink!" enthusiastically. I informed her that I had to be up at 4:30AM so that wouldn't be possible but that I would try to stop by this weekend. My lovely friends Katharine and Lisa, neither of whom would agree to move in with me, both told me to man up and tell the bitch I'm not interested. As my friend Stacy pointed out, and I paraphrase, "you really could have worse problems." Fair enough, I'll stop bitching, and yes I do realize that most people would be jumping at this situation.

What I am about to say scares me.

Whenever you start something new, such as a blog like this, you want to send some shockwaves out. Get the people talking. Say something fresh, something that is different from everyone else out there. But never in a million years did I think I would be coming out wiht this.

I think Spencer Pratt might not be such a bad guy after all.

I know, I know. Trust me, I spent all of last season despising the guy and his scheming egomaniacal ways, as he performed a LCectomy on Heidi so efficient and precise that even Preston Burke would be proud. And admist all of the between season's tabloids that featured Spencer's comments on how we would see his real relationship with Heidi, I scoffed, well first I hid myself from anyone seeing me reading the magazines, then I scoffed. But then it happened.

Spencer was asked to meet the parents. I couldn't help but empathasize. I can't personally imagine anything scarier than meeting the parents of the girl whom you see yourself spending the rest of your life with, especially when they are already predisposed to hating you. Knowing that you are being silently judged and almost assuredly found unworthy of the apple of your eye's affection, worrying that they will expose you to her for all your faults, that really can be unnerving. I have only been asked once, and I must admit my own cowardice and insecurity left me to run at all costs. But not Spencer. For all his faults, Spencer was a greater man than I, shunning his "homie's barbecue" to join Heidi for a trip to Colorado to meet the folks.

And the parents did not disappoint. While they seemed to give Spencer a chance at first, you could tell that the stepdad was clearly leary. The tension was palpable. The trust talk amongst the horses. then dinner, with Spencer, normally an outspoken cat, seemed nervous and in love, fumbling with words that he normally flows freely with. My heart went out to the guy. And clearly he isn't perfect, as his diatribe on LC showed, but I do believe that he really does love Heidi, even if their engagement seems a little unsettled. The jury is still out, but he went a long way to winning over this blogger in just 22 minutes time.

In other news from my trip to the Hills, holy buttcheeks Audrina! And why do you always look somewhat high? She may have the first documented case of DSE's. And you know, I really felt for her after Justinbobby (any relation to Rickybobby?) left her the worst breakup ever by leaving her helmet on the couch (All right, sidebar: She owns her own helmet already? And seriously, who breaks up this way? I have a buddy that got dumped by email once after a longish relationship, but that was just ridiculous, but back to my point...). so yeah, so you're feeling all bad for her and she's looking cute in her little hoodie, because, let's face it, girls look good in hoodies, and then we cut to next week and she's going out with him again. WTF! See, this is why so few nice guys exist anymore. Because we all watch The Hills and see stuff like this. And it gets rewarded.

Sadly, this was a Whitney-free episode. Am I the only one who can't get enough Whitney? Can we just spin her off right now and get it over with? Call it The Foothills or something, I would tune in every Monday at 10:30, or let's face it, whenever I got around to it on my DVR. But I would still watch, and really MTV, since you are clearly targeting the Male 24-30 demographic here, maybe you should get on that. I would be happy to serve as an Assistant Producer. Maybe even start dating Whitney, in a veiled throwback to Real World: Seattle. Remember when that was the craziest thing that ever happened on the Real World? That and some bitch slap to the girl with Lyme's Disease, which, sadly, can not be cured with actual Limes.

OK, the dryer just beeped so I think I can go get my masculinity back out of it now. At least until next Monday night. Is it football season yet?

The Kevin Wilson Starter Pack

So in the interest of giving credit where credit is due, I start my first ever blog by telling you how I lifted the premise directly from another blog. And really, if you are reading my delusional, rambling writing, you should also be reading this one: Bricks Explode, by fellow Penn State alum Josh Sorokach (http://bricksexplode.blogspot.com/2007/08/josh-sorokach-starter-pack.html). Some of his other posts, "Love Actually", and "Top 10 Unintentionally Funny TV Intros" are two of my favorites.

In case you don't feel like perusing Josh's post, the premise is simple. While dating dual hotties Summer and Anna on The OC, Seth Cohen decided to give them both the Seth Cohen Starter Pack for Chrismukkah, to help them both understand more about the man in their fledgling relationships. Since I have oft been accused of not being so open, perhaps, I thought, I could give out my own version of this. So if you want to understand this wannabe member of the new misunderstood slacker generation, feel free to peruse my post.

Without further ado, I present to you the Kevin Wilson Starter Pack

Criteria:
3 TV Show DVD'S
4 DVD's
5 Songs
3 Books

TV Shows on DVD
1. Felicity, Season One: While this may seem like an incredibly emasculating first choice, if you know me, you know that I really don't care. Everything from the photography of this show to the complex character development and great acting made this a top choice for me. Even though the protag was a femme, she somewhat transcended the purely female issues into what most college students were thinking. Season one had the best story arc in my humble opinionation, and culminated with the great Ben or Noel decision. Also one of the most quotable shows of all time.


2. Dawson's Creek, Season One: Noticing a pattern here? No show defined my defining years more than this one. I even dressed and styled my hair like Fivehead Hall of Famer James Van Der Beek. Everything from the far too eloquent for high school witty banter to the ultimate, Dawson or Pacey? decision, it really summed up my teen angst, which is really the best word to describe any suburban high school male. For all of its detractors, DC actually took on real topics, everything from the discussion of "walking the dog" and adultery in the pilot, to teen sex, coming out, and even whatever strange disease duck-faced Jen Lindley died of in the 5-years later series finale. Don't you hate when series have the finale set in the future? Feels so disjointed. I thought The OC did the best job of it with its montage finale, but even that was a little questionable.


3. How I Met Your Mother, Season One: I think I'm just going to stop watching TV shows after season one. This show really seemed to rekindle the lost art of the American sitcom. Everything from the style in which the story was told (usually in reverse) to the dramatic and amazing rebirth of Neil Patrick Harris (forevermore referred to in this blog simply as NPH), the show really caught me by storm. Ted was a lot like me, a goofy, caring guy that his friends adored but could never seem to land his leading lady. Late in the season when he met Victoria (played by my old favorite and Good Morning, Miami alum Ashley Williams), which they followed up with some excellent musical selections from Death Cab and Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, I was even able to cast aside the predetermined love interest, Canadian Robin Scherbatsky. From the Slutty Pumpkin to the Pineapple Incident, to the unexpected Victoria arc, the show was at its best in its freshman campaign.

Honorable Mention: The Wonder Years. Screw all of you, I still like Winnie.

DVDs
1. Tin Cup. This one had it all. A slacker main character with boyish good looks and a heart of gold, sports, and Gus Johnson. Even 80's superstar Don Johnson was superb. And with the non-traditional, non-cliche, not-so-happy ending yet we all learn a great lesson, I was finally left with the great movie feeling that Bend it Like Beckham just missed. "When a defining moment comes along, either you define the moment or the moment defines you". There is nothing like the philosophy of the slacker.

2. Garden State. I always figured everyone loved this movie, or at least every 20-something male trying to figure himself out and find his own hot, funny, cute and adorable yet somehow attainable Natalie Portman-type. However, upon a group viewing down the shore this year, I got the vibe that a lot of people found the movie horribly depressing and the ending a little forced. Personally, I thought it was about realizing that all your bullshit that you have to figure out because you spent your whole life so far trying to figure it out and you can't possibly be complete until you figure it out can get pretty easily thrown out the window once you meet the person you know you can't live without. At that moment, nothing else matters.


3. Anchorman. This movie just so perfectly defines my type of comedy. That completely irreverant, off-the-wall, Brick you killed a guy type humor, that much like me, the first time you saw it, you weren't so sure about but after the 8th viewing you realize it is the funniest thing you've ever seen. OK, so maybe you don't think that about my comedy, but usually people take a little while to warm up to me too. LOUUUUUUD NOISES!


4. Chasing Amy. No Kevin Smith movie is bad (ok, sorry, forgot about Jersey Girl), but this one is my favorite. It's no coincidence Affeck's character is named Holden, and it did a good job of showing male friendship relationship, with some excellent Genesis NHL scenes, as well as a next to impossible love story that improbably works out in one of the greatest movie speeches of all time. "I am forever changed, by who you are and what you've meant to me."


Honorable Mentions: Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky Balboa.
Dishonorable Mention: Rocky V

Songs
1. Stealing directly from Josh here, but in fairness, I would have picked this anyway: "The Wallflowers: One Headlight. 'There's got to be something better than in the middle'. The genius lies in its simplicity."
2. Dashboard Confessional: Stolen. Originally I heard it during a great sequence of Scrubs.

3. Coldplay: Warning Sign. Heard it first during the penultimate sequence of The Last Kiss (Zach Braff theme much?). "You were an island and I passed you by. You were an island to discover."

4. Van Morrison: Into the Mystic: This is the song I want to hear as I float off in a sailboat with my Winnie Cooper.
5. Third Eye Blind: Semi-Charmed Life. Long since my favorite song, despite the fact that I have never tripped out on anything.

Books
1. Old Yeller. I remember balling like a little girl at my desk reading this one.
2. Catcher in the Rye: The quintessential coming of age book for any guy in high school.
3. Moneyball: Competely redefined how I looked at sports.

Truth is, I know I watch too much TV and movies, and take far too much meaning from song lyrics, but that's me, and I'm okay with that. I do have my moments, and my flair for the dramatic has made some memorable times for some people. So I'm not some ridiculously hard worker and I'm not always an incredibly goal driven person, but I know what I want in life, and even if much of it is inspired by fictional characters, happily ever after is still what you make of it, so why not go for what I want. Even if it seems ridiculous to others. So maybe I will stand on top of a coffee stand and declare my love for Summer Roberts. Or maybe I even have a few of my own tricks up my sleeve. And that's me, for better or worse.