Stealing from Josh... again

After a two month layoff, I'm back blogging, although, let's face it, there is an equally as good a chance of another two month layoff coming up. Anyway, while reading my pseudo good friend Josh's blog the other day (Yeah, we've never met, but I'm pretty sure we'd be good friends. Do I have a mancrush? Yikes), I liked the idea of playing a 2007 version of MASH, you remember that game right? Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House, then figuring out who you would marry, where you would work, what you would drive and how many kids you would have, all from a piece of paper and a randomly assigned number. You totally remember that, stop lying. The scientific accuracy of that game was completely off the charts. I am still convinced that Kim Braughtigam and I will live in our apartment in New York with our Ferrari and 32 kids on my Trashman's salary (Editor's note: In 1993, the term Sanitation Engineer did not exist. I really miss the 90s). So, without further adieu, I present to you the theme for this blog, allowing my iPhone to shuffle itself into determining my future. Let the fun begin.

I-Pod Shuffle solve my problems:

My Career: Dust In The Wind by The Eagles
Wow, if that isn't ominous. Can anyone think of this song anymore and not picture the over-the-top incarnation Will Ferrell provided in Old School? Duuuuuuuust in the wind, all we are is dust in the wind! You're my boy Blue!

OK, so either I will be fired (again), and end up back on unemployment (which actually was pretty sweet), I will get a job with some old guy teetering on the verge of death whose ass cheeks I see in a very uncomfortable moment involving trust and things tied to people's nether regions, or, the most likely scenario, I will be employed by the City Government of Los Angeles to help battle their infamous problems with smog.

My Love Life: You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
So far, this is uncanny. I mean, what are the odds, I'm not making this up. Actually since I'm a sad sack loser in love, every other song on the iPod function of my JesusPhone is love-related, so it's probably not all that long in the odds department. So the question is, is iPhone saying that I personally give love a bad name, or that I should be singing this to some female? I had chosen this song as the ringtone for a certain buxom blonde that I used to talk to, so maybe it's saying that we will have another shot?

No, I'm pretty sure it's just saying that I'm horrible at love.

Christmas Time: Rodeo Clowns (remix) by G. Love featuring Jack Johnson
Well, rodeo clowns are employed to distract a very dangerous entity from goring holes in our heroes. And that clearly relates to christmas time, because, nope, forget it, not even I have the ability to bullshit that well.

Let's remix that to....

Christmas Time: Round Here by Counting Crows
What a great first line. Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog/Where no one notices the contrast of white on white. So clearly we will be having our first White Christmas in quite some time. Although nowadays I spend most of my time in Radnor so everyday is White. Oh, snap, racially charged joke. This is why I give love a bad name.

The New Year: The Way You Move by Outkast
Hmmm, well I certainly would like to move in 2008, so that's a nice sign. But, let's face it, this is clearly referring to my dancing skills and the way they will manifest themselves at New Year's Eve 2007/2008, or as we have now dubbed it Happy New Zweers. I am a historically horrible dancer, but I have to say, I think I'm getting better. I'm tall, white, and lanky. These are not commonly used terms to describe Chris Brown, but I'm telling you, I have been feeling it lately. I may not know the Superman Souljaboy dance, nor that Stomp your hands, clap your feet nonsense, or, as last night proved, The Electric Slide, but when it comes to freestyle, I have just a little bit of pop in my step. Feel free to attest to this. I'm getting shorter and blacker.

2008 Romance: All at Once by The Fray
"There are certain people you just keep coming back to/She is right in front of you" Well if that doesn't speak for itself, wow. "Eight seconds left in overtime and she's on your mind." I am very excited that I am going to be involved in some sporting contest in 2008 that goes into overtime. Sadly there is no clock in Bowling, what will I get into? Oh the drama! "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same" Hmmm, well maybe things that are "complicated" aren't so bad after all. Damn iPhone, you know me so well!

Side note, I was thinking about this. How about we outfit the iPhone with some text context recognition software. So if I am sending out sad/sappy texts/emails it will know to play certain songs on its shuffle function? When I'm depressed I'm really not looking for a little Kanye, I need to hear some Keith Urban or something.

2009 Romance: Stand By Me by John Lennon
Well Josh put in 2009 since he didn't like 2008, I'm just doing it because I was apparently out of blog. Perhaps I will be standing by 2008's romance at some sort of ceremony. You know, like Flag Day or something.